So…. the worst thing happened yesterday. Well, not the worst, but I’m still upset about it. When I picked Avery up from daycare yesterday, like all weekdays, he was super-cranky due to a diaper rash. Poor guy was in pain. The girls (daycare caregivers) updated me on his red bum and I put Avery down to gather his backpack. When I put him down, he immediately put his arms up to be picked up again… but not towards me, towards one of the girls. I was devastated.
Yeah, he spends 50 hours a week there, but I’m always the one he wants… he is always clinging to me…running after me if I leave the room.. and my hubby even gets annoyed that Avery doesn’t go to him like he does to me. So to see him have that connection with one of the girls completely upset me.
I didn’t brood over it last night… I put it on the back burner and tended to a cranky Avery and tried all means to soothe his red bum. Luckily it looks like a normal diaper rash…not a yeast infection or anything…so we watched some Lion King and Elmo and Skyped with Aunt Sarah in Texas. There was lots of cuddling and holding. But after Avery was sleeping soundly, the thoughts about earlier poured in. It’s good that he has a connection with the girls there… right? Of coarse. But he spends so long at daycare each week… and maybe I’m not spending enough time with him?
Now the mommy guilt started to hit me. I spend hours every night with Avery… but it’s not undivided attention. We go for a walk or play at the park… then I juggle him and cooking dinner, packing his bags for tomorrow, dishes & bottles, etc. I feel horrible that I can’t just come home and play for hours. If I did that, I’d be up until 10pm every night doing the household stuff and we all know how little sleep I already get! So what to do?
I talked to hubby about it and he tried to assume me that I’m still ‘number one’ and that Avery is just social and will go to anyone. This is true… he is very good with people because of daycare. Daycare is good for him… interacting with other kids and adults. I know I’m working to support Avery and our family and it’s for the best. But I’m still upset. Feeling guilty. If I could spend more time with Avery, I would. But I have to work…and things need to get done at home. We barely make ends meet so me staying home with Avery is out of the question… what to do…